Anyways, on to the main topic. Pardon for patterning the title after an otome game. Well, as of the moment I do really have a cruel duel thing with love. Without a doubt love in whatever form is a beautiful thing. It can be also the ugliest thing when it works against you.
I realized I wasted 9 years of my life waiting divided in three stages. First was I waited for 6 years for this person to love me back. It never happened, but I accepted it because it was later on that I realize that everything was just a puppy love turned to obsession. I got obsessed by happy memories and falsely hoping that it will continue. Bang.
Second was I waited and observed this person to see if our relationship could work. Apparently he wasn't doing his part of the relationship - almost no concern at all. I forgave him a number of times but the relationship didn't work. I had to let go (see previous post made 2 years ago - I think). Well I do admit I got disappointed that he was not the ideal partner I was looking for (addendum for being an idiot who ditched me and I had to wait for three hours w/o any word from him; forgave him after that though).
Third was a person who got imprisoned by his past for two years and counting. He's my closest guy friend. At this point in time we are on a platonic state of relationship. There are times that we acted as if we are actually an item, but in reality we are not. I tell you, I horribly regretted we acted like that. Why?
The romantic feelings are mutual, but he is not ready to commit yet because of his ex-girlfriend problem. He is still not over it. My logic is telling me he still loves her. But he says he doesn't. I put in all my effort for this person and waited for his wounds to heal but the rate of heal is very slow. To tell you the truth I got jealous of his ex because she was the one whom he exerted all his efforts only to get cheated on. I wanted to disappear from him, but he says he needs me.
So much for being a capable woman.
I'm angry, frustrated, but most of all tired. Tired of waiting. I vow to myself after this third person. No more. NO MORE. I'd rather buy a Golden Retriever.
I have no idea how long my patience will last...but it's reaching my limit.
I do admit, this Duel of love. I lose. I fought for 9 years, and I did my best.