left, right, u-turn

life in the eyes of one on the run

Well, I played the game for a while - all thanks to my friend who lets me play with her DS. ^^ It got me entertained. haha!

Anyways, on to the main topic. Pardon for patterning the title after an otome game. Well, as of the moment I do really have a cruel duel thing with love. Without a doubt love in whatever form is a beautiful thing. It can be also the ugliest thing when it works against you.

I realized I wasted 9 years of my life waiting divided in three stages. First was I waited for 6 years for this person to love me back. It never happened, but I accepted it because it was later on that I realize that everything was just a puppy love turned to obsession. I got obsessed by happy memories and falsely hoping that it will continue. Bang.

Second was I waited and observed this person to see if our relationship could work. Apparently he wasn't doing his part of the relationship - almost no concern at all. I forgave him a number of times but the relationship didn't work. I had to let go (see previous post made 2 years ago - I think). Well I do admit I got disappointed that he was not the ideal partner I was looking for (addendum for being an idiot who ditched me and I had to wait for three hours w/o any word from him; forgave him after that though).

Third was a person who got imprisoned by his past for two years and counting. He's my closest guy friend. At this point in time we are on a platonic state of relationship. There are times that we acted as if we are actually an item, but in reality we are not. I tell you, I horribly regretted we acted like that. Why?

The romantic feelings are mutual, but he is not ready to commit yet because of his ex-girlfriend problem. He is still not over it. My logic is telling me he still loves her. But he says he doesn't. I put in all my effort for this person and waited for his wounds to heal but the rate of heal is very slow. To tell you the truth I got jealous of his ex because she was the one whom he exerted all his efforts only to get cheated on. I wanted to disappear from him, but he says he needs me.

So much for being a capable woman.

I'm angry, frustrated, but most of all tired. Tired of waiting. I vow to myself after this third person. No more. NO MORE. I'd rather buy a Golden Retriever.

I have no idea how long my patience will last...but it's reaching my limit.

I do admit, this Duel of love. I lose. I fought for 9 years, and I did my best.
Topic:Almost everyday life - Genre:Diary
10 minutes before 1AM.

I barely have time enough to finish all the paperworks needed to get done by the end of this week. Weird enough that I have the power to write something as weird as this entry right now. Or maybe it was just the sound of the piano playing that's making me feel the urge to settle down my boiling blood and jot this thought that's been lingering on my mind for almost one and a half months already.

I made a decision to love another person after almost 7 years of deciding not to. As a matter of fact, The current state of things makes me say that I don't really love the person at this moment in time, but rather I respect this person and starting to trust him. For one, I believe that to love a person is a decision, not a feeling; that it follows a step from respecting, to trusting, to loving.

It was a 180 degree overturn. It's entirely like a tokimeki game, only that you do everything in real time. There is no reset, there is no save point. There is just you, and the one you are pursuing - hoping that your target person will return your feelings.

I have no idea what will happen in the future. He has mood swings worse than I do. And I tell you, times come that I am the guy in the relationship and he will be that hormonal female girlfriend of mine who bitches more than who is the actual female in this relationship. LOL.

I think I've dug myself another grave. But I don't have the right to complain since I decided to do this "loving" thing anyway.


Yeah, I tell that to myself all the time. :D
Topic:Almost everyday life - Genre:Diary